It's not that easy

Day out with the girls! #summer #finally (at Kierland Commons)

“If you drive across the street, I’ll buy you ice cream”

Happy birthday to this sexy lady! I couldn’t have made it through freshman year without you. We’ve had so many incredible adventures together, and I can’t wait to make more memories together in the future. You are truly a beautiful human being. I love you, @nearlynewyorker

“Life is not about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.”

I have grown an incredible amount in the past few months. The growth has become exponential. A lot of mistakes were a part of that growth, and I’m sorry that anyone else had to experience consequences from those mistakes. While the past few months were involved in this growth, the actual growth seems to have occurred in the past week alone. I am now able to specifically identify the mistakes that I have made. I want to say that they were a part of me finding myself. But that is not the case. “Life is not about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.” Upon some important, yet painful, self-reflection, I realized that the self I had been creating during the past few months is not the self that I want to be.

For every month that their relationship lasts, it represents another month that I’ve made it through. Sometimes I need to take it make it one week at a time rather than month, and sometimes I have to focus on just making it one day at a time.

I don’t want to live a life where I am trying to survive one day at a time. Instead, I want to struggle to make each day better than the last because I’m living such happy days. Part of me is convinced that this won’t happen until things are ok with Keon and I. But what does that mean? At moments, I just want him to be civil and smile back when I smile in passing. Other times, I want a friendship. Other times, I want a relationship. I think if I’m honest with myself, my deepest desire is to have a relationship with him. All the other times I’m just wanting to take steps towards a relationship. But what I had with him before was not healthy. We were not equally invested, I gave away too much of myself, and I gave him too much power. To a degree, he took too much, but I mostly put the blame on me for giving him too much. But would a real relationship with him be a good idea? I know that my loved ones would not approve. But what if the nature of our relationship was different. If I didn’t give up so much, and he gave me more. Is it really that he just isn’t good enough for me. Maybe I wasn’t good enough for me. Can I discount a real relationship with him because he took what I gave him? If he has to work to have me and is willing to really commit, shouldn’t that just represent growth. We weren’t right for each other before. I wasn’t ready to give myself what I deserve. If I’ve grown enough to give myself what I deserve, can’t he grow to give me what I deserve? The problem is that growth needs to happen. Maybe the current relationship he’s in is just part of that growth. Maybe he’ll realize that a pretty face isn’t everything. Maybe he’ll realize that I’m worth it. Unfortunately, this kind of thinking is dangerous. Detrimental to the life I want to live. The life where I struggle to make each day better than the last because everyday is so incredible and full of extreme happiness. If I’m holding on to how he made me feel in the past, how can I ever be happy on my own, without him making me feel like that. In fact, he makes me feel bad now. He’s mad at me and that’s not fair. I’m too caught up on that. I have to let go of him so that I can move on. I have to let go of what we had in the past. I have to let go of what I want with him in the future.  This is the difficult part. How do you fight desire? How do I convince myself that I don’t want him, when deep down I really do. I think the question is, if the only healthy relationship I can have with him is the kind where we have grown beyond how we were when we were together, why am I so set on a relationship that is based on the past, when we weren’t right. It’s because of the little things. The way he stared at me when I was driving, the way he told me everything, the way I would be woken up in the middle of the night by him intertwining himself with me and squeezing me tight. I’m afraid that no one else will do those little things that are unique to him.

While I have grown to know what I want to be and the standards I want to uphold and what I need to demand from a guy, I have not gotten over him. 

New hair, new job #spring

I literally feel like bursting into tears right now. This is just so horrible. I want him to be in love with me. I want him to never want to let me go. But he did. He let me go. 

I think it messes with my head so much because it’s not about him not liking me. I want to say that he just doesn’t like me enough, but I’m not sure that’s it either. It’s about the situation. If he had fully gotten over his ex before he met me and had gone through a “single” phase, maybe he would have been ready for me. But the timing isn’t right. For him. The timing is perfect for me. 

I wake up, and I’m just not happy. I want to be happy. I’m supposed to be happy. I shouldn’t be wishing that the day was just over so I could be asleep and not think about things anymore. I fully believe in making everyday count. This is not how I want to count my days.

As I walked by Drake today, I asked why he always looks so upset when he sees me. He said it’s because I’m just too beautiful. I responded, “Aw thanks, Drake.” It wasn’t completely genuine, but I couldn’t help but smile anyway

I’m not happy. I decided that today I would do everything I can to make other people happy

I miss him.

Spending hours at my desk isn’t so bad when I get to stare at these beautiful flowers. A little bit of happiness for hell week #finals